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Blue's Big Holiday/A Snowy Day
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room looking excited) G-man (Excitedly): I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Man, oh man! I’m so pumped for Christmas this year! (Calmly) Not only do we get Super Smash Bros. Ultimate on the seventh, I get to review a Christmas movie! Well, not today, but on Christmas like last year. So, to tide you all over, here’s more Blue’s Clues! (The main theme starts as clips from the show begin to play) G-man (V.O): Yeah, I know I reviewed the movie with Danny Gonzalez in the previous episode, but I still think it’s a good show! Today, we’re reviewing a VHS tape that I used to watch all the time when I was a kid. It’s called Blue’s Big Holiday. No, not Christmas. Holiday. I think that they mainly wanted to teach Children the way different people celebrate the holidays, but that’s just my theory. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, let’s play along with Steve, Blue, and say fuck off to Joe! This is Blue’s Big Holiday! (Cut to the opening scene where Steve opens the door for the viewers. He’s wearing a green-striped sweater as opposed to his usual shirt) Steve: Hi! Happy Holidays! Come on it out of the cold. Make yourself at home! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Y’know, as I said in Behind the Clues, I hold this show near and dear to my heart. But that doesn’t mean I can make jokes like the following: (He clears his throat) I think Walter put it best: (Cut to a clip from Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special) Walter: Screw you, it’s Merry Christmas! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Steve and Blue have a Holiday Quilt, and every year, they add things called Memory Patches. These are pieces of cloth with pictures on them indicating memories. For example, the one that started the whole quilt is a picture of younger Steve with his grandmother. (Cut to the camera moving around the Holiday Quilt) Wow! Look at all those memories! W-Wait a minute. (A record scratch is heard as the episode freezes. We zoom in on a Memory Patch depicting three arrows) What hell is that? What are those arrows supposed to represent? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Are those arrows a sign? (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) I’m not making a pun, are they a sign of something we don’t know? Or is it another case of misinterpretation? (Cut to a sketch with the G-man on the couch in his living room. He’s holding a piece of cloth and a marker, and he’s wearing a green-striped shirt. Meaning he’s acting as Steve) G-man: So, Blue, what should this one be? (Blue is heard barking, but there are subtitles added to translate) Blue’s Subtitles: How about that time we-? G-man: M. Night Shyamalan’s Signs? Oh, yeah! That’s a great movie! Blue’s Subtitles: What? No! G-man: You agree? Okay, I’ll write it on! Blue’s Subtitles: I hate you… G-man: I know! Mel Gibson is such a good actor! (Cut back to the episode) Steve: Oh! Blue, we have to add new patches! Do you have a memory you want to add to the quilt? (Blue nods and barks happily) You do! Well, what memory is it? (Blue jumps up and makes a pawprint on the camera. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Side note, doesn’t the cameraman get mad at Blue every time she does that? (The scene plays again, only the G-man is dubbing over it as the camera operator) G-man (V.O): Damnit, Blue! That’s the fifth camera this week! (Cut back to the episode with the original audio) So, Blue wants to play Blue’s Clues so we can figure out what memory she wants to add to the quilt. Oh, right. We have to clean up the pawprint first. (Cut back to the G-man with a pawprint to the left of him) G-man: And I know just how to do it! (He points to the right) Hey, is that Justin Bieber? (The pawprint quickly moves left out of frame) Heh! Works every time! (Cut back to the episode) Steve: Hey! (He holds up a piece of cloth with the pawprint on it) Looks like the pawprint wants to be on the quilt this year! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Shit! It did? (He looks to the left) Hey! Get back here! (The pawprint reappears onscreen with a ding sound effect) Okay, proceed. (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): After getting a holiday version of our notebook from Side Table Drawer, we sing our usual song that explains the rules of Blue’s Clues, and then we get called over by Slippery and Tickity. Steve (Whispering): Is that the present we made for Mailbox? Slippery and Tickity (Whispering simultaneously): Uh-huh! (They move out of the way. Revealing a clue) Offscreen Kids (V.O): A clue! A clue! G-man (V.O): Another thing I like about Blue’s Clues is that these offscreen children just answer the questions for you. You don’t even have to do anything. You can just sit there like: "Yeah, bitches. That was me!". Anyway, our first clue are four little pawprints. And I don’t know if its my OCD or whatever, but when Steve doesn’t fill in that one pawprint, I get triggered a little bit. That’s like if there was construction worker who was afraid of heights! (Cut to a skitch with the G-man in a hardhat acting as a construction worker) G-man: Alright, here are the plans for the new building: (He holds up an upright piece of paper. He looks worried, but after he turns it over onto its side, he gets calm again) That’s better! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Also, I don’t know if this was an error or not, but I’ll bring it up; in the next shot, there’s a snow globe on a table. But in the shot where we find the first clue, it’s not there. Was there a rift in spacetime continuum? Nonetheless, we skidoo into it, and we end up in a place called Toy Land. And I’m sorry, but I have to do this: (Cut to a Radio Shack commercial featuring Weird Al Yankovic) Weird Al (Singing): Toy Land! Toy Land! Ideals for girls and boys and even Cousin Bob who’s forty-three and lives at home! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We then encounter a doll who’s crying and claiming she’s "Different". Steve: Do you know? How is this doll different from the rest? G-man (V.O): Easy! (Two arrows point to the green-dress dolls) These are the stepsisters, and (Another arrow appears over the different doll) that’s Cinderella! (The arrows disappear) But my main question is this: Why is she saying that no one wants her as a present because she’s different? Does that actually happen in real life? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Mom, for the last time: I want the regular Operation, not the Shrek version! G-man’s mother (From off camera): Why not? G-man: Because it’s different! Duh! (Cut back to the episode) Steve: You know, I think your dress is wonderfully different! Unique, in fact! (To the audience) Don’t we know someone who would love to have a doll with wonderfully-different, unique, orange dress like this? G-man (V.O): The answer is obviously Blue’s friend, Orange Kitten, but honestly, you could say anything, and it’d be a good answer. Like on Family Feud! (Cut back to the G-man with Pivot and Pinkie Pie on either side of him) G-man: Something you put in the fridge? A phone! Pivot (While applauding): Good answer! Good answer! Pinkie (While applauding): I know it’s up there! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We then meet a green tower of blocks that keeps falling down. And no, I don’t know why. Steve: Hey, doesn’t Blue have a friend who would love to have a tower of blocks that builds up, and then falls down? Who is that? (He gives the audience some time to answer) What about Blue’s friend, Green Puppy? G-man (V.O): Oh, yeah! Green Puppy! You know, the jerk that kept knocking down her blocks in the sad day episode? (Cut back to the G-man all alone) G-man: I’m sure everyone gets along with their bullies! (The hashtag "#ObviousSarcasm" pops up below the G-man. Startling him a bit) Hey, get out of here! (The hashtag slowly moves back down off of frame) Screw you, editor! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): After the tower of blocks joins us, we then meet… (A pocket appears next to two stuffed animals) Uh… Pocket: Nobody wants one of me ‘cause I’m different! G-man (V.O): You know what? I think he’s right. If I received a pocket for a gift, I’d be pissed! (Cut to the jelly donut scene from Full Metal Jacket. But instead the jelly donut is replaced with the pocket from the episode) Gunnery Sargent Hartman: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the fuck is that?! (Cut back to the episode) Steve: Well, I happen to think that a pocket is a great present! It’s very practical! (To the audience) Who do we know who would love to have a pocket as a present? (He gives them some time to answer before he speaks again) How about Purple Kangaroo? He doesn’t have a pocket! His sister has a pocket, but he doesn’t! I’d bet he’d love to have a pocket of his own! Pocket: I’m going to be a present!? Steve: Yes, exactly! That’s exactly what that means! Pocket: There’s somebody out there for me! (He jumps into the bag with the others) G-man (V.O): Man, he’s lucky that bag was there or else he would’ve pulled a Goofy! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: There’s somebody out there for me! (He gets up and jumps to his right before Goofy’s iconic yell is heard, and then a thud sound effect. Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Our next clue is a blue blanket with polka-dots on it, but I’m more concerned about that short-necked giraffe. He feels insecure! Why do we have to ignore the poor guy? (Cut to later in the episode) Either way, we set out to give the presents to Blue’s friends. But not before this small song number that still gives me the chills: Steve (Singing): Its snowing, and we’re going to bring gifts and love to all of our friends! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That is so inspirational! In fact, I’m going outside right now! (Cut to the G-man outside in the snow in winter gear) G-man: Hey, everyone! It’s snowing! Man: (V.O from offscreen): Shut the fuck up! G-man: Jesus! Never mind! (Cut back to the G-man sitting back at his desk) G-man: Okay, that failed. Let’s just move on… (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We also get a few guest stars in this episode. First, its Wynonna Judd with Green Puppy celebrating Christmas. Wynonna: Who’s that? Steve: Oh, this! This is my friend. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Another thing, the audience is just referred to as, and I’m quoting from IMDb, "Steve’s Friends". What, we’re just friends to you? Did he just friendzone us? (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Nonetheless, we give Green Puppy the tower of blocks and move on. Oh, not before Wynonna gives us a Christmas patch for the Holiday Quilt. Steve: Hey! Sam and Orange are lighting candles! What is that holder called? G-man (V.O): Hold up! That’s Lisa Datz, not Sam! Why is she called Sam here? And I’m sorry that I’m asking too many questions, it’s like there’s someone in the background that’s going: "Ask me what it means! Ask me what it means!". Anyway, we then learn about Hanukkah. Sam: Oh, well for Hanukkah, we light candles to remember a lamp that had only enough oil to last for one day… Orange Kitten: Instead, it lasted for eight whole days! Sam: …That’s right! Steve: Eight whole days? That’s a miracle! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Pfft! You call THAT a miracle? I’ll have you know I watched the final episode of Edward the Gnome, and I only shed one tear! ONE! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We give Orange her present, Sam gives us a Hanukkah patch, and we move on to the residence of Purple Kangaroo and Tyrese Gibson where they’re celebrating Kwanza. Tyrese: Steve! Blue! It’s been a while! What have you been up to? Steve: Well you know, pretty much the same old thing, finding clues, mostly. Tyrese: Well, we’ll let you know it we see any clues. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And the point of that last line was…? (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Tyrese gives us a Kwanza patch, we give Purple Kangaroo the pocket, and we then head home to get the mail. Sing with me now! (Singing along with Steve) Here’s the mail! It never fails! It makes me want to wag my tail! When it comes I wanna wail; MAIL! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Talking solo): Never gets old, huh? (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We give Mailbox the flag warmer from before, and he gives us our letter. Which is from Magenta. (Magenta rides down a snowy hill on a sled. When she gets to the bottom, we cut back to the G-man) G-man: That was impressive and all, but let’s spice it up a bit! (Cut to a still-frame of Magenta halfway down the hill. The G-man is dubbing over it while he’s editing) G-man (V.O): Okay, for one, let’s get that sled out of here and replace it with a lion, let’s add in some hoops to jump through… Oh! Let’s make them flaming hoops! And we’ll just replace the background with a circus, and- (He realizes something) Oh, shoot. I just made Blue’s Clues into the first level from Circus Charlie… Apparently, that’s possible! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Mailbox has a gift for us, as well. A raddle that’s also our third clue! Now that we have all three clues, we get to thinking. Steve: So, what memory could Blue want to add to our Holiday Quilt with all these things? Well, who uses a raddle? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Death. (The sound of an audience booing is heard) Oh, come on! Don’t act like you’ve never heard of a death raddle! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Actually, the answer is Blue as a baby. Steve: Yeah! When Blue was a baby, she made little prints with her little paws, and she had a blanket with blue spots, and a baby raddle! We just figured out Blue’s Clues! (He gets up and starts singing) We just figured out Blue’s Clues! We just figured out Blue’s Clues! We just figured out Blue’s Clues, ‘cause we’re really smart! (Talking) Come on! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: So, not only do we figure out Blue’s Clues and finish the Holiday Quilt, we end with the most amazing thing at Christmas time: (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O along with the cast): Snowball cookies! (Solo) Anyway, we sing our usual ending theme, and that’s the end! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I really loved this episode! Other than a few continuity errors, it was perfect! Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! (Nothing happens. After a while, the G-man looks around confusedly) Um, peace? The episode’s over! Why is the review still going? (He realizes something) Oh, right! The second episode! (Cut to clips from the second episode from the VHS) G-man (V.O): You see, VHS tapes like this usually come with one or two bonus episodes. In this case, it’s the tenth episode of season one entitled "A Snowy Day". It’s not really a Holiday episode, but it’s nice to throw this on in, too. Let’s begin! (Cut to the opening scene) It opens with Steve and Blue discovering that it’s snowing outside, even though it wasn’t in the opening, and we play Blue’s Clues to figure out what Blue wants to do in the snow. Steve: Oh, yeah! I know what we have to do! We have to clean this pawprint off! (He grabs a snow shovel and digs away the pawprint. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And all the scientists came together, joined hands, and collectively said; "That’s not how that shit works!". Cartoon Logic simply laughed evilly. (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We quickly find our first clue, a carrot. Steve: And we’re trying to figure out what Blue wants to in the snow… With a carrot? Huh. I think we need to find some more clues, don’t you? G-man (V.O): Whoa, man! I only came to review this! I’m basically the worst source to get a second opinion from. Just ask Spartacus. (Cut to a clip from Family Guy) Man 1: I’m Spartacus! Man 2: I’m Spartacus! Peter (Pointing to the man next to him): That guy’s Spartacus. (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Our friends, Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, see snowflakes that look alike, and we play a small game where we- Wait a minute! (A record scratch is heard before we cut back to the G-man) G-man: There’s no such thing as two snowflakes that look alike! In fact, there’s a quote from the Bible referencing that! (He reaches offscreen and pulls out a Bible. He opens it to a random page and begins reading aloud) If there are two snowflakes that look alike, all hell breaks loose. (He closes it) See? It’s right next to the part about Jesus riding a dinosaur! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): After some pointless bit where Steve thinks he finds Blue, we skidoo into a calendar where the seasons are all mixed up. Here, we meet this weird-ass chalk-person who needs our help. You know what’s weird? (Cut to the episode’s page in IMDb) I searched IMDb, and I’m not even sure who this person is. So, let’s just call them a gender-neutral name like Sam or something. Sam: Yeah, it’s supposed to be winter. Steve: Oh! Like at our house! Sam: Will you help me make it look like winter again? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: First you ask me to find two snowflakes that are the same, and now you’re asking me to change the seasons? You’re better off asking Viridi from Kid Icarus: Uprising! Although she’d just throw a Reset Bomb on your asses while simultaneously going: (Imitating Viridi) Oh, you got served, bitch! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O in normal voice): After we make it snow, Sam needs our help to dress him/her to the occasion. After that, we come to the second most weird thing in this episode: (The person in the lake in the background suddenly jumps out of it while screaming "Yahoo!". Cut back to the G-man who is cracking up) G-man: What the hell was that? (He chuckles a bit) Did that kid seriously scream yahoo as he jumped out of the freezing cold lake? How would he react if he got hit in the nuts? Would he scream another search engine? (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We then find our second clue, a top hat. And you know how I said that the lake kid was the second most weird thing? Well, this is the first: (Steve attempts to pick up the hat, but it moves away from him while making a weird noise. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Reminder: This actually aired on TV! (Cut back to the episode) Steve: So, what could Blue want to do in the snow with a carrot and a hat? G-man (V.O): Oh, wait. This was on Final Jeopardy last night! The answer’s bacon! (Cut back to the G-man looking to his left before he notices the camera) G-man: What? Bacon’s always the answer! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): After another minigame where we find the missing winter gear, we get the mail, and then we find our last clue: a snowball. So, now that we have all three clues, we piece them together and get the following conclusion: Steve: Could Blue want to put the snowball in the hat, eh? And have a snowball sundae with a carrot on top? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Excitedly): Yes! That’s it! She wants to something that no one else wants to do! We just figured out Blue’s Clues! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O in normal tone): No, that’s not the answer. She just wants to build a snowman. (Cut to a clip from Frozen) Young Anna (Singing): Do you wanna build a snowman? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: No! No! We’re not-! (A lightbulb appears over his head with a ding sound effect) Hold on, play that scene again. I want to try something. (The scene plays again) Young Anna (Singing): Do you wanna build a snowman? (Cut to a clip from Breaking Bad) Jesse: This is my own private domicile, and I will not be harassed! Bitch! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Anyway, we build our snowman, we sing our usual ending song, and THAT’S the end! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Oh my god, I loved this VHS! Memorable songs, lovable characters, and, of course, snowball cookies! It’s fun to watch over again and again! Well, after you rewind it… But that’s not the point! The point is that this is awesome! Well, I am the G-man, that’s all you need to know about that, and I’ll see you at Christmastime! Peace! Category:Episode